As parents, no matter how devoted and nurturing we may be, our children often struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and a host of other challenges. Some of these disturbances are simply life experiences that they may regrettably have to experience. Our goal is to feel confident that they will overcome these obstacles and that our kids will even grow stronger for that success. To achieve that end, we need to provide them with the skills to be resilient, to bounce back from these assaults on their wellbeing and ultimately to thrive in their lives. We can provide them with the foundation to do so if we rethink our relationship with them. If our best intentions are not producing the expected results, we need to examine our operating beliefs. We may be playing from the wrong game plan.
We’re typically comfortable sharing our strengths, values, and ideals with our offspring. We assume that doing so will enable them to follow our guidance and propel them in the right direction. But the tendency for many parents is to openly share their positive attributes but withhold the personal history of their life’s struggles and upsets. We may say that they don’t want to burden our children with our problems – past or present. Or we simply don’t want to present ourselves in a way that is inconsistent with what we try to model. Ironically, when we share only the good with our children, we deprive them of a realistic expectation and preparation for what likely lies ahead.
When we divulge our challenges, we are actually sharing a valuable life lesson: life is difficult at times and struggle is normal. By not conveying our personal travails with our children, we actually set them up for personalizing their difficulties. When they encounter hardship and struggle – as they undoubtedly will – they may personalize their own weakness or failure, believing there’s something wrong with them. If they knew that we went or are going through these difficulties as well, we’d be providing them with anchoring reference points.
Normalizing Life’s Challenges
I have worked with many adolescents and young adults who have battled low self-esteem or anxiety. Having also assisted one or both of their parents, I came to appreciate that they too had confronted similar challenges. But they typically didn’t share this with their kids. So when the child feels down or anxious, they have no reference point. They can’t reflect that mom or dad battled with this and perhaps overcame it. Or, even if their parents didn’t get past their problem, the child may better understand the source of their own difficulty. Withholding these matters from our kids leaves them with the inevitable conclusion that there’s something wrong with them. This isolates them and exacerbates their struggle. Imagine if mom or dad shared that they too went through this and came out on the other side? It’s also beneficial to communicate even if their parents still confront these matters but are working on them and have confidence that they’ll overcome them.
When our young ones encounter anxiety, insecurity, or distress, it would actually be helpful for us to not simply be supportive, but to normalize their upset by sharing our own similar experiences. Actually, this sharing should occur as part of the normal repartee of child rearing. In other words, life is difficult and even mom or dad have had their encounter with difficulties. Life’s stressors are bad enough; we don’t need our kids thinking that it means there’s something wrong with them.
Acting Strong is Acting
I have come to appreciate that many people think that others are better off emotionally than they themselves are. They believe their difficulties are unique to them and other people are happier or better off. This is an excruciatingly damaging myth. We can help break this myth by sharing more honestly and fully. A proper preparation for life is to honestly address all that life brings forth. Acting strong is not strong; it is acting. Expressing and embracing your vulnerabilities is powerful and reveals genuine self-esteem. The paradox here is that our being vulnerable is actually strong, for it demonstrates that you have nothing to hide. Doing so, in turn, models for our children an intrinsic self-worth, as it removes a feeling of shame about their struggles.
Many times, as recently separated or divorced parents begin to date, they wonder whether to share that with their children. It is, of course, essential that we be sensitive to the trauma of divorce. Focusing on a healthy transition for the children should be paramount. But the time comes when you may choose to move forward with your life. Why hide this natural process from your children? I have often heard divorced parents state, “I wouldn’t expose my kids to my dating.” Making a life transition and eventually meeting other people for social circumstances is not akin to the West Nile Virus. More to the point, it might be helpful to children to understand that dating is a process and that your next partner doesn’t ordinarily just turn up magically on your doorstep. If that is what they are led to believe, they will likely internalize some negative self-esteem when they don’t fall in love with the first people that they date. We need to set realistic expectations for our offspring.
Sharing the fuller richness of our lives with our children rather than simply modeling the “proper” parent is of inestimable value to them. I had the great fortune of having a father who communicated with me the full measure of his life. Not just his successes and rewards, but his hopes, his struggles, his fears, and his disappointments. This degree of mentoring provided me with a resilience that I’m most thankful to have. I have in turn passed that on to my sons. We can provide our kids with this healthy foundation from which to engage life.
There is naturally a fine balance between appropriate sharing and not turning your children into your emotional partners. We never want to unduly burden them, but we do want to prepare them for life. Fine tuning that balance is the goal. The greatest gift we can give our children is to fully participate in their lives by opening up our own to them. Their resilience is in large part informed by sharing more of our own life with them.

Dr. Mel Schwartz

Four Best Tips on Teaching Resilience to Your Child​
Is being resilient good for children? It is common for children to experience setbacks, unwanted challenges, failures and even difficulties at school. How are the children coping with these?
Resilience is the ability to take control of self during difficult situations, failures, challenges, and setbacks. Resilient children are those who are able to effectively handle any pressure and get things done, despite obstacles.  If resilience is good for children, how then can we help our kids to have it as parents? Here are four best tips on teaching resilience to your child that work.
Tip # 1 – Give our Children Undivided Attention
Quality time with children is not just being with them physically. We must give them undivided attention by listening with our heart. When we give our children attention, they will feel important. They will be confident that they trust and depend on us in handling their situation. As parents, we would know if our child is upset or emotionally disturbed.
Tip #2 – Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes
If what you planned did not materialize and you feel really bad, what do you usually do? Often, you will tell about it to your spouse or your best buddy. And, what is the most common reaction? Normally, they will tell you that it is okay and you can try again next time. There is nothing wrong with the response. However, it is not what you want to hear. You want empathy and assurance that they will be with you until you are able to recover from your disappointment.
Your children also need these things when they are down. They don’t want lectures or advice. Letting them know that you understand them and you are willing to support them will teach them resilience.
Tip # 3 Never Judge or Criticize Your Children
Accepting your children for whom they are is the one of the best ways to make them resilient. If you truly accept your child for whom he is, you will never judge or criticize him.
Well accepted and appreciated children become more confident and strong in facing any obstacles in life. If they know that they are not criticized for the way they are, they become more appreciative of themselves and do better in life.
Tip # 4 Determine Your Child’s Strengths and Develop Them
Not all children are the same. Each child has his own strength and weaknesses. Find out the strengths of your child and develop it. For example, if your child is good at music and craft; develop it and don’t make him excel in math or science. Help your child know his strength to promote resilience in letting him know that he excel in something.

Parenting Notes :

1. Your child will be able to cope better when he/she feels that they are safe and secure. No matter how stressful your day may be, take time to bond with your kids and to connect with them. Talking to them and sharing about your day with them will make them value you more. They will in turn share something that has happened to them as well. Make this a frequent activity during dinner or at bedtime.
2. Teach your child to value volunteering. A valuable contribution to the community could be anything from donating clothes, water, food or medicines or offering their time to doing community work. These activities will foster self-awareness and competence; he will also learn how to value himself and others.
3. Make your child feel that he/she belongs to a family and that their presence is greatly appreciated. Make them care for a family pet, care for a younger sibling or assign them chores that will fit their abilities and being responsible.

Resilient kids are problem solvers. They face unfamiliar or tough situations and strive to find good solutions.

Sources:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/
http://melschwartz.com/raising-resilient-children/
​http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/health_information/for_parents/pages/raising_resilient_children.aspx

Did you know elevators and ATMs are breeding grounds for bacteria? And that soap pumps are actually filthy? We're sharing tips to help you defend yourself.

Swimming and Bacteria
A water park crawling with 1,000 kids can have 22 pounds of poop floating around, says Michele Hlavsa, RN, chief of the CDC's Healthy Swimming Program. Little kids can carry as much as 10 grams of leftover feces on their rear ends, she says. They don't make a habit of washing off before jumping in, so all that poop just rinses off into the pool. It adds up, and chlorine doesn't kill everything. The CDC found that more than half of pools test positive for E. coli, which can cause bloody diarrhea. Your best line of defense? Try not to swallow any water.

Dinner Items
Restaurant menus have 100 times more bacteria than a toilet seat, says Charles Gerba, PhD, a microbiologist with the University of Arizona, better known as Dr. Germ. They’re touched by tons, but only wiped down once a day, if that, and usually with a used rag. Instead of washing your hands before you sit down, scrub up after you order. And never lay your silverware on top of the menu.

Germs and Garnish
Like a squeeze of lemon with your water? Researchers looked at dozens of wedges from the rims of restaurant glasses. They found nearly 70% of the lemons had disease-causing microbes, including E. coli and feces, that could cause some nasty stomach issues. Next time, you may want to take your iced tea lemon-free.

The FountainThink twice before sipping from the water fountain at your kid's school. It’s dirtier than their toilet seats! That’s because the bathrooms are cleaned regularly. Have you ever seen someone clean a drinking fountain? Just carry a water bottle with you instead.

Soap ScumIronically, public soap pumps are a breeding ground for bacteria, too. Think about it: From the stall to the sink, there’s no telling what your hands can pick up. So scrub for at least 20 seconds or carry hand sanitizer. And before you reach for that door handle, think about how many people don’t wash after using the restroom. The CDC says only 31% of men and 65% of women do.

Carting Around GrimeShopping cart handles can be downright gross. Turns out you’re picking up more than just a loaf of bread. That handle can be swarming with up to 11 million microorganisms, including ones from raw meat. And just think about all the dirty diapers on that seat -- the same one you’re putting your produce on. A lot of grocery stores have antibacterial wipes handy, so use them.

Handles and ButtonsMany people shudder at having to touch door handles, but they should be wary of elevator buttons, too. Again, do you ever see someone actually clean those? Push them with your elbow, take the stairs, or have sanitizer on hand.

Hotels: Check It OutHotel rooms come with a lot more than a mint on your pillow. The TV remote is the dirtiest object in there and could use a quick wipe before you channel surf. Other potential petri dishes: the bedside lamp switch, bedspread, hair dryer, telephone, and unwrapped drinking glasses.

Play areas and FilthGrubby little fingers grab slides and swings one after another. But playgrounds are rarely cleaned. The worse spot is the sandbox, with 36 times more germs than a restaurant tray. And bacteria love nothing more than to hide out in warm, moist places. Come stocked with hand sanitizer and wipes.

Dirty MachinesATM buttons, cash, and a revolving door of bank customers equals ick. In fact, the flu virus can live on a dollar bill for 17 days! But no one uses gloves or tissues to handle money. As for ATMs, companies hope to roll out touch screens with antimicrobial glass to combat cold and flu. For now though, your best defense is to press the buttons with a pen.

Sources :
http://www.mayoclinic.org/germs/art-20045289              
http://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/ss/slideshow-public-germs?ecd=wnl_spr_050216&ctr=wnl-spr-050216_nsl-ld-
http://www.mayoclinic.org/types-of-infectious-agents/img-20008643 http://restauranteuno.blogspot.ca/2011/02/difference-between-germs-virus-and.html

​

Dependence

A person who suffers from codependency will feel that they will only be happy or content or find peace with themselves through someone else. They will seek out relationships and marriage with people who will give them happiness, even if it is not real happiness. They will potentially become abused, victimized, degraded, belittled, and hurt. Yet they may continue to remain in the unhealthy relationship. In many cases, codependents will skip from one relationship straight into another without having time to consider their own needs. A codependent believes that they are not worthy of being happy and in a loving relationship and that pain and suffering is what they are destined for. This unhealthy attitude sets them up to fail at having meaningful and caring relationships and may in fact go to lengths to push people away so that they are hurt.

Low Self Worth

A codependent relationship with a person who suffers from a substance abuse problem can add to a lack of self confidence and self-esteem. The substance abuser may live a life that revolves around taking drugs or drinking alcohol and everything and everyone else fits in around the drug abuse. For a codependent, this means that they will never be the priority in an addicts life and they will find the relationship dysfunctional, destructive and harmful to them. A codependent will use this relationship as a way to prove that they are not worth anything, that they don’t deserve more and that they are a victim. They will martyr themselves and be self deprecating for attention but will push away genuine offers for help or support.


Denial

Denying problems and pretending they don’t exist or that they are not serious or will go away, is a common symptom of a codependent relationship. This is particularly the case for people who also have a substance abuse problem in a relationship. The codependent may take significant steps to hide the abuse and the addiction going as far as to lie to friends and family about the extent of the problem. Parents may use their finances or influence to get a child out of trouble with the law if their child is a drug addict, spouses may cover up their partners drinking, friends will brush off criticisms of their alcoholic friend. This denial contributes to the problem that the addict is going through and may actually magnify the problem. Enabling a person to engage in drug taking behavior without criticism or retribution does not help the situation nor does it reduce the risks associated with the abuse.

Enabling and Unhealthy Codependence


In an unhealthy relationship, individuals will tend to make their partners dependent on them. For instance, by enabling their alcoholic’s or addict’s unhealthy behaviors, an unhealthy person can ensure that their partner needs them. In these circumstances, the alcoholic or addict receives many subtle cues telling them that it is all right to indulge themselves as long as they let their partner know that they are needed.Enabling was how I kept my alcoholic addict dependent on me. In retrospect I realize that rescuing my alcoholic addict from the repercussions of her behavior fed my ego. It made me feel necessary in her life. Even when she treated me badly, at some level I believed that she couldn’t survive without me to take care of her.  In an unhealthy relationship, when the addict or alcoholic takes steps to dealing with their problems, the codependent will often sabotage their efforts.
​
Codependence works the same way, whether the addiction is drugs, alcohol or something else, such as sex, gambling, verbal or physical abuse, work or a hobby. If the addicts’ behavior causes worry, forcing the partners to adjust to and deny the problem, they are at great risk of becoming codependent. Those who were abused as children face an even greater risk.

General Codependency Test

• Do you tend to believe people’s promises, even when they have repeatedly broken promises before?


• Do you find yourself making excuses for those you care about in order to protect them from the repercussions of their poor choices?


• Do you give money to people to pay bills that they could and should pay for themselves?


• Do you often feel lonely in your relationships?


• Do you avoid confronting people when they are behaving unacceptably?


• Do you try and fix other people’s problems even if they don’t ask for help?


• Do you have trouble saying no to people without feeling guilty?


• Do you find yourself spying on those you care about?


• Is much of your time spent helping people who you believe need you?


• Do you need to feel needed?


• Do you feel upset or angry if someone tells you that they don’t want your help?


• Has anyone repeatedly told you to stop trying to help them?


• Do you feel responsible for other people’s actions?


• Do you lose sleep worrying about the repercussions of other people’s choices?


• Do you ever remind people that they need you?


• Do you believe that you are obligated to help other people?


• Do you suppress your feelings about other people’s behavior until eventually you explode with anger?


• Do you sometimes feel that other people’s bad choices are your fault?


• Do you enable other people’s bad behavior?


• Have you ever sabotaged other people’s attempts to change their lives?


• Do you every feel ashamed of the people that you help?


• Do you often give advice, even when it is not requested?

Did you answer Yes to four or more of these questions? If so, your relationships may be unhealthily codependent.  If you don’t address your unhealthy codependence, relationships will likely continue to be unnecessarily painful. You may want to consider counseling or psychotherapy to deal with this issue with a behavioural-cognitive approach.

Sources:
http://www.my-alcoholic-addict.com/general-codependency-test.html
http://alcoholrehab.com/drug-addiction/co-dependency/
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/codependency.cfm
http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-codependence/

Fragility has become a characteristic of children and teenagers to an extent unknown 25 years ago. That’s what I’m seeing in the office today – and what I did not see in the office years ago. But besides my observations and experience as a physician over the past quarter-century, several lines of evidence support my claim. The first and most obvious evidence is the extraordinary rise in the proportion of young people diagnosed and treated today for anxiety and depression.
But that line of evidence doesn’t pertain in all cases. In some cases, something inside seems to be missing: some inner strength that we took for granted in young people a few decades back.
One cause of the fragility is a weak parent-child relationship. Many teens would be the first to tell you that they love their parents. But they are not seriously concerned with what their parents think. Or more precisely, some are more concerned about what their peers think than what their parents think. Others are more concerned about their inflated self-concept than about what their parents think. Kids need to value their parents’ opinion as their first scale of value, at least throughout childhood and adolescence.

Parents are letting their kids’ friends take their place

If parents don’t come first, then kids become fragile. Here’s why. A good parent-child relationship is robust and unconditional. My daughter might shout at me, “I hate you!” But she would know that her outburst is not going to change our relationship. My wife and I might choose to suspend some of her privileges for a week if she were to have such an outburst, but she would know that we both still love her. That won’t change, and she knows it.

Peer relations, by contrast, are fragile by nature. Emily and Melissa may be best friends, but both of them know that one wrong word might fracture the relationship beyond repair. That’s one reason why Emily is so frantic about checking her text messages every five minutes. If Melissa sends a text and Emily does not promptly respond, Emily is afraid that Melissa may misinterpret her silence as indicating a lack of enthusiasm. In peer relations, everything is conditional and contingent.

Young people don’t want to look incompetent in the eyes of their peers, not for a week, not even for a single day. So many will not risk a humbling experience.
Children and teenagers need unconditional love and acceptance today no less than they did 30 or 50 years ago. But they cannot get unconditional love and acceptance from their peers or from a report card. That’s one reason why there has been an explosion in the prevalence of anxiety and depression.

Many parents accept this situation as an inevitable consequence of 21st-century life. But they are mistaken. This phenomenon – of kids valuing their relationships with same-age peers, or their sports, or their academics, or their after-school activities, above their relationships with parents – is far more prevalent in North America than elsewhere. Most kids in Ecuador, Argentina and Scotland still look forward to spending free time with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. As one Scotsman told me, “We don’t even think much about ‘generations.’ We just all enjoy doing things together.”

American novelist Reif Larsen recently moved with his family to Scotland. In contemporary Scottish society, Larsen observes, “family always comes first.” By comparison, he is struck by the failure of contemporary American culture “to acknowledge that children actually exist.” This difference is manifest not only in how kids and adults spend their free time, but also in:
an infrastructural commitment to children in public places. At the Edinburgh airport, you can find three large soft-play areas in the terminals, ample high chairs and dedicated lines for families. You can preorder baby milk, which will be delivered to you at your departure gate. There’s even an entire cushy room devoted solely to nursing mothers.… Compare this with our experience in the United States. In the Newark airport, there is no such room. After much searching, we discovered there was approximately one high chair for all of Terminal C. We had to drag it across the airport like a family of transient Bedouins.

All of us, as parents, need to establish the primacy of the parent-child relationship over peer-to-peer relationships, over academics and over other activities.

Canadian psychologist Gordon Neufeld has observed the disintegration of the parent-child bond over the past 20 years. His main idea is that many of the problems we see with North American kids today – the defiance, the disrespect, the disconnection from the real world – can be traced to the lack of a strong attachment between parents and their kids. Or more precisely, to the fact that kids now form their primary attachment with same-age peers rather than with parents. As Neufeld writes, “The waning of adult authority is directly related to the weakening of attachments with adults and their displacement by peer attachments.”

Consider an acorn. Its strong shell prevents it from growing until the time is right. If you break open the shell too early, you don’t stimulate the growth of a new tree. You just have a dead acorn. As with the acorn, the key to healthy child development is to do the right thing at the right time. Neufeld makes a strong case that the wrong attachment style in childhood and adolescence results in the wrong attachment style in early adulthood. Throughout childhood and adolescence, the primary attachment of a child should be to the parent. If a child has a strong primary attachment to a parent from infancy through adolescence, then when the child becomes an adult, that bond will break naturally, as an acorn breaks open naturally at the right time so that a new tree can grow. Such a child, once she becomes an adult, is ready to head out confidently into the world as an independent young adult.

But increasingly, Neufeld and others have found, young people across North America just are not ready to step into the adult world. The same girl who refused to talk with her mom at 13 years of age is now texting her mom five times a day at age 22, asking for basic guidance about adolescent concerns. The acorn, having broken open too early, does not have the strength to become a tree.
Parents have to regain the central place in the lives of their children, displacing same-age peers. Same-age friends are great for your child. But your child’s first allegiance must be to you, not to her best friend. The contemporary culture of texting, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and online video games has concealed this fundamental reality, promoting and accelerating the premature transfer of allegiance to same-age peers.


How to strengthen the bond with your child
In all your arrangements for your child, try to make connecting with adults a higher priority than connecting with your child’s same-age peers or academics or after-school activities. Prioritize your extended family and your close adult friends in the life of your child.

• One simple strategy is to schedule vacations just for the family. When your daughter asks whether she can bring her best friend along, the answer must be no. If the best friend comes along, then a significant portion of time on the vacation will go to your daughter bonding with her best friend. The main purpose of the family vacation should be to strengthen the bonds between parent and child, not to give the kids an expensive playdate.
• When you are planning a vacation, look for opportunities for your child to connect with her aunts, uncles and grandparents. You want to give your child a different perspective. You want to connect her to your culture.
• Even simpler is to create rituals, such as a weekly parent-child visit to a local coffee shop. Taking a walk together to the coffee shop, if it is within walking distance, provides a good opportunity to talk and listen to whatever your daughter or son might have to say.
• The family supper, the family trip to the movies and even a ride in the car all provide opportunities to strengthen these bonds.
• If you have the opportunity to move closer to your child’s aunts, uncles and grandparents, do it. (We did.)

Sources :
Excerpted from The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-ups by Leonard Sax. Available from Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright © 2015.
​http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/the-disintegration-of-the-parent-child-bond/article28191786/