“Whether we draw from counselling, psychology or theology there are common understandings that underlie healthy relationships,” according to Dr. Helen Noh, Tyndale University College Assistant Professor of Counselling Psychology. Healthy relationships are central to why we exist. God, whomever that may be, who in the Trinity is relational, created us in His image for a loving relationship with you, him, the Earth, people on Earth, and the environment.   We have been created to be relational. What makes a relationship healthy is when there is an underlying sense of authenticity. It is to know a person and to be known by a person. In his book Connecting, Dr. Larry Crabb’s research shows that we long for authentic relationships to know and affirm one another’s differences while building a sense of connection.

Building an authentic connection includes knowing and supporting each other’s strengths, weaknesses, differences and similarities. This relates to marriage, romantic relationships and to all relationships with friends, family and co-workers.

Dr. Gary Chapman emphasizes the concept of really knowing each other by describing different love languages.  He identifies many different ways that we express and receive love. In relationships, misunderstandings can arise when we express love in a way that other people cannot understand. It is important to understand each other’s love languages so we can communicate in ways that will be understood. Understanding is based on communication. Dr. John Gottman, a key researcher in healthy relationships, analyzed the ways in which people communicate.

1. He found that the way we start a conversation often sets the direction of the conversation and even of the relationship itself. Dr. Gottman suggests a variety of ways to communicate that will build up a relationship, such as using supportive and understanding words and listening.
2. He also shows how communication can tear down a relationship, including the dangers of criticizing, attacking a person’s character,stonewalling, disengaging, communication breakdown or flooding the communication in the midst of conflict.
3. The main components of communication that build up or tear down are what we say and what we hear. One key to creating intimacy in any relationship is active listening. That is, listening that seeks to truly hear the person, to understand his or her perspective and to communicate back what you understood.
4. Another key to intimacy is creating a safe, trusting place for someone to share who they are and still be accepted even with differences and weaknesses. Within those safe places, differences in character need to be acknowledged and dealt with, as they often lead to conflict.
When sin entered the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve covered themselves up with fig leaves in shame. Within our relationships we can cover our authentic characteristics with ‘fig leaves’ because we believe that we will not be accepted for who we truly are. Fear of shame and disrespect stops us from developing safe and trusting environments. Being authentic, actively listening and supporting one another’s strengths and weaknesses are all components of
healthy relationships that we can embrace. In these safe and trusting environments we can truly be relational, the way we were created to be.

Below is a discussion with two leading Professors on Relationships and the various parameters associated with a fundamental relationship ...
(premise of Dr. John Gottman Professor of Counselling Psychology)
Dr. Helen Noh Assistant Professor of Counselling Psychology
Ximena Seifert MDiv, Clinical Counselling, 2015
Siyoon Yu MDiv, Counselling, 2014
David Au MDiv, Pastoral Counselling, 2012
at Tyndale University

Helen: What are some common characteristics of healthy relationships?

David: A degree of self-knowledge…I know not all of my relationships are healthy and I know I can be self-critical.

Ximena: Boundaries. You, knowing yourself as a person, and being okay with who you are as you try to balance your attachments to others. So, you are attached to others but not enmeshed with them.

Siyoon: Not being afraid of arguing with the other person and being able to functionally resolve conflict—not to throw anything under the rug or blow things out of proportion.

Helen: What are boundaries?

David: In an intimate relationship…it’s one thing to communicate what you want…but it’s another to let go and respect him/her so he/she can have her room to process.

Ximena: I like to think of it as keeping the good in and the bad out.

Helen: Any other characteristics that you see to be vital in healthy relationships?

Ximena: I would say empathy, being really able to try to look at things from your spouse’s or friend’s perspective.

David: I learned that a child/adult needs to be free from the fear of being unloved. Having reflected on that, I would let my wife and kids know that no matter what happens I will accept them, try my best to be there.

Siyoon: It’s also helpful to understand the language the other person is speaking because the expression of love can come in a variety of different ways. I think we forgot something that’s very basic. Commitment is the number one thing.

David: It’s often contrasted with conditions, right? You’ll commit on a set of conditions that the other party will fulfill.

Helen: How do you understand the role of conflict in relationships?

Siyoon: I think argument and conflict helps a couple, gives them a chance to really see what’s going on, as well as providing a chance to strengthen that bond…and their resiliency as a couple.

David: Obviously conflicts are very intimidating. That’s why I would say eighty to ninety per cent of the time I just want to win…but in the times I am awake I would prefer to reach out to the other person…to diffuse that conflict.

Ximena: We have to role model that it’s okay to be angry and to disagree…as long as you are working it out. There are so many layers—getting to that little nugget of what this is really about takes time and maturity.

Siyoon: As well, not being afraid of emotions, that it’s okay to feel them, let them run their course.

David: On the flip side, that’s where it gets dangerous. When you let your emotions get the best of you, all of sudden that’s where the boundaries are broken down and you let the words fly.

Siyoon: I think you are right, David. Maturity comes when you can still be yourself and not let the emotion overcome you. When the relationship is young…we get a sense that the person is just like me and then when we’re faced with conflict we somehow get threatened with the differences.

David: We need to make an effort to appreciate the difference because we actually complement each other.

Helen: You hit on something important—not only recognizing someone’s differences but appreciating them. Any real tangible ways you could give people to build healthy relationships?

David: Saying very specific thank-yous. We don’t have enough thank-yous.

Ximena: Not to be afraid to show love. I think touch is so important.

Siyoon: Don’t assume too much...don’t make your own conclusions and never check them out.

Helen: Those little things, we’ve let them slide in our busy culture.

Ximena: Making time for one another, even just to look at each other.     

Siyoon: Continue to get to know the person. Don’t assume the person will remain the same forever.

Helen: What do you see as some of the critical factors that may be contributing to the breakdown of relationships?

David: Options—I think we’re just accustomed to this mentality that we can choose. If something goes wrong then we can just go or tell the person to go.

Ximena: People thinking of relationships as where I can get stuff—self-serving. What I can get and very little about what I can give.

Siyoon: I think today’s society gives a bad rep to compromises. They think…if you’re compromising, then you are less worthy. A relationship is all about compromise.

Ximena: In good, healthy relationships there are times we have to sacrifice.

Siyoon: I think a relationship itself has also become an option, so now it also competes with a lot of other things in life.

Ximena: It’s going against the cultural norm—a healthy relationship.

David:  I think in a relationship, talking too much can harm the relationship as well…especially talking about yourself without giving the other person time to speak, without listening to the other person. Listening is one [tangible] thing.

Ximena: I think of my background as a teacher and how even in the curriculum there is a lack of emphasis on listening.  It’s not given equal importance as speaking, writing and all the other skills we teach our children, yet it’s one of the most important skills in life.

Siyoon: We’re too busy to listen, to really pay attention to relationships. We want things too fast.

Helen: Instant intimacy. Just wanting it, then we get disappointed, then we have the option so we keep moving on.  What we’re left with is people who are just jaded; who think it’s never going to be found.

Ximena In that need for instant gratification…they are trying to get what a healthy relationship would give them anyway. It’s almost like they are losing before even trying. God / Spirituality/ Philosophy has designed us in a way to get those needs met within the context of a relationship.

Helen: How does the role of our relationship with Spirituality play into building healthy or even unhealthy relationships?

Siyoon: In my own experience with my boyfriend, I think being Christian gives another layer to our relationship and that’s a vision that we have for our “coupleship.” We try to envision our “coupleship” as a community in God and what God envisions for us. We can really step back and evaluate where we are going and ask if this is pleasing in God’s eyes.

David  I really think that much of it has to do with God and how I’m able to draw from Him. One of my favourite passages is Isaiah 49:16: “I’ve engraved you in the palm of my hand: your walls are ever before me.” I think that’s powerful. There’s no smudging away that person in the palm of God’s hand. That’s how ingrained it is that we are in God’s hand and that’s how committed He is to us. So it’s really to allow ourselves to be in God’s presence.

Ximena: A lot of it has to do with how I view God. My beliefs and thoughts I’ve had about God have really affected my relationships with others. So, if I thought God was distant and conditional, then it was hard for me to be unconditional and really giving of myself in my relationships. As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, in seeing Him as unconditional and a Father who cares for me, that has absolutely shifted how I experience my relationships now.

Helen: At the very beginning of creation, God Himself, in the Trinity, is relational. We’ve been created to be profoundly relational, therefore it reminds us that relationships are not an option and that’s…why one of the greatest forms of punishment is isolation. We’ve been created for healthy relationships. We long, in Christ, to move toward redemption and reconciliation. We’ve been reminded of the bigger picture and to make sense of the smaller pieces.

We need to work on the small to get to the big picture. 
Never forget the small pieces; if you do you will forget the other person.

Here are Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships

1. Keep expectations realistic. No one can be everything we might want him or her to be. Sometimes people disappoint us. It’s not all-or-nothing, though. Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them!
2. Talk with each other. It can’t be said enough: communication is essential in healthy relationships! It means— Take the time. Really be there. Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you’re trying to listen. Don’t interrupt. Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words. Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. Show your interest. Open the communication door. Share information. Studies show that sharing information especially helps relationships begin. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don’t overwhelm others with too much too soon.
3. Be flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we’re not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed!
4. Take care of you. You probably hope those around you like you so you may try to please them. Don’t forget to please yourself. Healthy relationships are mutual!
5. Be dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow through. If you have an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it. Healthy relationships are trustworthy!
6. Fight fair. Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like each other! When you have a problem:
• Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?" Healthy relationships are based on respect and have room for both.
• Don’t criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person.  Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don’t blame.
• Don’t assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves.  Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves.
• Stay with the topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present. Say, "I’m sorry" when you’re wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again.  Healthy relationships can admit mistakes.
• Don’t assume things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong! Healthy relationships check things out.
• Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like your RA, a counselor, a teacher, a minister or even parents. Check campus resources like Counseling Services at 532-6927. Healthy relationships aren’t afraid to ask for help. There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement.
• Don’t hold grudges. You don’t have to accept anything and everything, but don’t hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get. Healthy relationships don’t hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings.
• The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together.
• You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped-for future development.

7. Show your warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Healthy relationships show emotional warmth!

8. Keep your life balanced. Other people help make our lives satisfying but they can’t create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don’t overload on activities, but do use your time at college to try new things—clubs, volunteering, lectures, projects. You’ll have more opportunities to meet people and more to share with them. Healthy relationships aren’t dependent!

9. It’s a process. Sometimes it looks like everyone else on campus is confident and connected. Actually, most people feel just like you feel, wondering how to fit in and have good relationships. It takes time to meet people and get to know them…so, make "small talk"…respond to others…smile…keep trying. Healthy relationships can be learned and practiced and keep getting better!

10. Be yourself! It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Sooner or later, it catches up anyway. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images!


Sources :
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/04/healthy-relationship_n_1252702.html
http://www.tyndale.ca/sites/default/files/magazine/tyndale-magazine--v-2-2.pdf
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/200912/12-tips-mindful-resolutions-healthier-relationships-and-rewired-b
http://www.wespsych.com/relship.html
http://wespsych.com/healthy_relationship.html
http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html

Divorced parents can get Christmas blues along with divorce depression. SAD may also play a role. Try concentrating on the kids, letting go, relaxing & light therapy.  Easier said than done ...
Many divorced parents start to get depressed while thinking about Thanksgiving and then comes Christmas. Seasonal Affective Disorder can contribute to a parent's sadness. So try concentrating on making the holidays joyous for your kids, not for yourself. Try to let go, relax, and go with the flow.  And, if necessary, seek medical help for your anxiety and depression. 

Divorce Depression

Divorce depression appears to hit people the hardest around the holidays. Well, some divorced parents don’t get to see their children at Thanksgiving and/or Christmas, which can make November and December some of the hardest months of the year. Along with that, people who live in northern climates sometimes have to cope with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) along with the rest of it.

While sadness and loneliness are common after a divorce, any ongoing, unusual depression or feeling of hopelessness may, in fact, be clinical depression. Fortunately, clinical depression can be treated with the help of a physician and a therapist and talk therapy which helps tremendously to get things out that you have stuck inside your head. Many times, talk therapy mixed with a short dose (6 - 8 months) of antidepressants is what you need.  Depression can also run in families. It's not your fault.

Holiday Depression

Coping with holiday depression and having a broken family is just plain tough for everyone. And, almost all divorced people have difficulties with this time of the year. Here are some steps to help you get through the holiday season.  The holiday blues or holiday depression may occur during any holiday or vacation time, but most commonly happens during the December holidays when everyone else in the world seems to be is celebrating. The blues can result from a mis-match between high expectations for the perfect holiday mixed with memories of holidays past, loved ones no longer present and the reality of the current holiday. The Holiday Blues although emotionally intense and upsetting, they tend to be short-lived and subside once the holiday season is over and normal daily routines are resumed.

Help the Children

Try to keep things in perspective. Adults are the ones who married and divorced, and it's not fair that innocent and impressionable children should suffer from the mistakes of their parents. Also, divorced parents may very well be happier themselves if they concentrate more on their children's happiness and less on their own.

Tips for Holidays:

• If your children are with your ex for one of the holidays, encourage your kids to have a good time while they are with the other parent.
• Christmas is not a competition. Do not compete with your ex over who can give the most presents. The only one who wins will be the bank that gave you the Visa card.
• Do not keep your children from seeing their other parent.
• Allow your children to love both of their parents, and be sure that your kids understand this. One way is to help your child make a present for his or her other parent.
• Be flexible. The best present you can give your kids is for you and your ex to get along, and to adjust written agreements to fit your children’s needs.
• Let go of expectations and relax.
• Keep your promises as much as possible. Show up on time or drop your kids off on time.

Another good thing that you can do is to keep in touch with your children during the holidays. You can call, skype, text, send cards, or email your children when they are with your X.

Self Help for Depression

There is one very good rule for getting through the holidays after having gone through a nasty divorce: Let go of anger. While this may be easier said than done, it can be done. Try thinking about happy days before the marriage or before meeting the ex-spouse. Here are other tips:

• Smile when talking to your ex or talking about your ex. A smile creates a reaction in the body and tricks the mind into creating a happy mood by releasing endorphins and serotonin.
• Get out of town or find new friends. Holidays remind parents of Thanksgivings and Christmases past. So, make plans to spend time with friends or to take off on a road trip. Holidays can be lonely.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Another problem that can add to Christmas blues and divorce depression is lack of sunlight. The well-documented Seasonal Affective Disorder is caused by the shorter darker days of winter and can lead to cravings for carbs, a need for more sleep, sleep disturbances, and general irritability.

People who were melancholic or lethargic around Christmastime, even before their divorces, could have SAD. This disorder is usually treated with special light therapy boxes, medications, or by talking with therapists. See a physician or psychologist for help.

Clinical Depression

Certainly, it is quite common for divorced men and women to feel depressed around the holidays. However, anyone who has felt sad for two weeks or more, or feels an intense, debilitating depression, or an unbearable anxiety, should check with a doctor to find a treatment for it.
Winter blues can come from divorce depression, shorter days, or holiday nostalgia and loneliness. If self-help doesn’t work, talk to a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or a general practitioner. Parents who are divorced should take very good care of themselves because their children need them. 

Basics of Coping with the Blues
For anyone feeling blue or sad like Charlie Brown during the holidays, there are some very basic, common sense steps that can be taken to help in coping.

• Maintain a normal routine. Try and continue with normal daily activities.
• Be sure to get enough sleep or at least rest if sleeping is difficult.
• Regular exercise, even walking, helps relieve stress and tension and improve moods.
• Maintain a balanced diet. Watch out for the temptation to eat high calorie "junk" foods and comfort foods. This will help avoid the post-holiday depressing weight gain.
• Alcohol should be used in moderation, not to mask the pain. Excessive drinking can contribute to feeling blue or depressed.
• Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
• Do those activities, or be with the people that comfort, sustain, nourish and recharge you.
• Remember other times in the past when you have experienced loss and the strategies used to survive the loss.

Sources:
http://dying.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htmzi=1/XJ&sdn=dying&cdn=health&tm=470&gps=275_448_1020_590&f=00&su=p284.13.342.ip_&tt=8&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.journeyofhearts.org/jofh/grief/blues
http://dying.about.com/od/glossary/g/holiday_blues.htm
http://suite101.com/article/christmas-blues-and-divorce-depression-in-winter-a171014
http://www.professorshouse.com/Living/Holidays-Seasons/Christmas/Articles/Christmas-Depression/
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/healthydivorce.aspx

Winning vs. Taking: What Does Winning Mean to Abusive, High-Conflict and/or Personality Disordered Women and Men.  Psychological abuse does not result in serious physical injuries requiring medical or legal intervention.  Its costs to society are much less obvious, and is less sensational than physical abuse.  Consequently, psychological abuse has not garnered the same sort of media coverage nor public awareness; even though psychological abuse is more devastating than physical abuse (Murphy, Cascardi, Hampton 1997).  Between 1999 and 2004, more than half a million men in Canada had a partner who was violent toward them. The partner might have been a wife, an ex-wife or a common-law partner. This means about six per cent of men in intimate relationships have experienced abuse or violence from their partners.

Categories range from : Abuse, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dating, Financial Abuse,HistrionicPersonality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Parental Alienation, Personality Disorders, Psychological Abuse, and Unhealthy Relationships. 

Hypothesize that individuals with these characterological disorders are all about winning, but that winning is really about taking.  I’d been considering this issue ever since Charlie Sheen’s infamous public meltdown and “Duh, Winning” sound byte.  A high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual is often breathtakingly emotionally immature. She more then he, seems to get a charge from engaging in never-ending power struggles with her parent-partner-ex. She’ll go round and round and round and round with you often over pointless things.

Why does she do this? ... winning.
What does she want? ... To “win” at all costs.
What does winning mean?  ...  Taking.

To an abusive high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual, “winning” isn’t about working hard to train for a 6k race and coming in first place or winning at a game of chance like roulette or winning at a game of skill like chess. Winning these kinds of victories doesn’t necessarily cause harm to an opponent, which, I believe, is the crucial factor. If you’re married to, dating or divorcing a woman with these issues, you are her opponent. The goal of her never-ending power plays seems to be about inflicting pain, laying blame, and exerting control. In order for her to win, you must lose. These relationships are zero sum games. She does this by:

• Taking something away (e.g., money, love, material possessions, self-respect, self-worth, etc.)
• Destroying something you love (e.g., a prized possession or a child.)
• Forcing you to take something (e.g., abuse, infidelity, self-created debt, her vacation choice, etc.)
• Turning a positive into a negative (e.g., something good happens to you and she denigrates it, ignores it, and/or minimizes it.)

She “wins” by hurting others. It’s not a win unless she can take something from you, even if it holds no real value for her. The value is in taking it, taking it by force and without your consent.
This many times has been a learned response which she has gotten from one of her parents.

From a male client " It’s simplistic, but I think that they see both winning and taking as gaining control. They don’t want some control, they want total control. It’s like the bully picking on kids they know they can beat or stealing something they have no interest in. It’s not that they wanted the candy or care whether you have it. They need you to know they can take it away from you."

Real victory, imaginary victory, meaningless victory, pyrrhic victory ( a victory with such a devastating cost that it carries the implication that another such victory will ultimately lead to defeat. Someone who wins a pyrrhic victory has been victorious in some way; however, the heavy toll negates any sense of achievement or profit) — it doesn’t matter. She has to believe she is getting the better end of the stick and the biggest piece of the pie, regardless of whether or not she even likes the pie or has any intention of eating it.

This kind of person will manipulate, lie, steal, blame, cheat and bully in order to take and gain control over both tangible and intangible things. Many seem to be incapable of being happy for the good fortune of others, including something as trivial as a compliment. She will seethe with jealousy, anger, resentment and denigrate or ignore any success you achieve, whether it be a promotion, accomplishment, or satisfaction.  But "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"; that unfortunately happens when the person allows the bully to pyschologically overpower the other individual.

Some abusive women also resort to emotional abuse which is characterized by erratic mood swings, jealously and possessiveness. The abuser will want to know about the whereabouts of the person at all times. They may also make a distinct effort of isolating the abused person from the friends and relatives. If the abused man tries to break away from the mold, she may threaten him with dire consequences such as taking away the children or committing suicide. Most emotional abusers are persistent liars who make up false stories and accusations, such as those of her being abused.

In addition to these signs of abusive relationship, you will find an abusive woman unwilling to take responsibility for her own chaotic life and instead playing the victim in front of others. Behind closed doors you would find her raging and shouting for simple things. She may also hit, scratch, shove or throw things at the abused person. When the abused person wants to end the relationship, the abuser can become vindictive and dangerous. They will threaten and might want to kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, children, or stage unsuccessful suicides.

She doesn’t seem able to be happy when something good happens to you. Instead, she experiences it as deprivation — something good happening to you means something good isn’t happening to her and she can’t have that. Instead of being happy for you and proud of you, she feels jealous and a sense of lack and wants to lay blame. It seems like rage satisfies them more than trying to be happy.

Taking = Winning.  If they, themselves, didn’t have to make the sacrifice for the gain, then it’s a win. Doesn’t matter how trivial. If they can order someone else to get up and refill their drink for them, it’s a WIN. If they can extort money from their husband under the guise of being, “for the house,” or  "i work and i can spend money" it’s a WIN.  It’s the reason they have boundaries and why other people’s boundaries are an insult to the bully.

Abusive high-conflict and personality disordered women and men know how to take, but many don’t know how to receive what is given freely and given with love. Because many of these individuals only give something with the expectation of getting something, they can’t fathom being nice just to be nice and project their own transactional nature onto others.  This kind of woman does not give without strings attached, therefore, in her mind, neither do you. She judges others by her own "judgemental" yardstick.  "You don"t work hard enough", You don't make enough money", "Sex is terrible with you", "I don't believe You", "You don't do anything around the house", "You can't cook".  All these "YOU" put down messages eventually "breaks" the person receiving the malicious negative comments and the receiver becomes ultimately controlled, submissive, and denegrated to the point of incurring depression accompanied with high anxiety. The abuser, noticing this, becomes even more powerful and begins to add more aggressive insults to "You never want to have sex with me" ...  Guilt. 

"Many of these women (and their male counterparts) are very successful at taking, but taking isn’t winning. Ultimately, taking pleasure in hurting others, taking what doesn’t belong to them, bullying others into getting their way, and taking material assets that they’ve done nothing to earn doesn’t make them happy and it doesn’t make them winners.  In actuality, society sees the bully a miserable, pathetic loser" (Palmatier, 2012).

In conclusion, men who have to deal with such abusive relationships, often experience fear, shame and bewilderment. This is partly because of the society and the law and order system which refuses to believe that a man is hit by a woman, and partly due to a fear of loss and alienation. Even the domestic violence laws are enacted keeping an abused and battered woman in mind. The best course of action in such a case is to stop rationalizing "abusive" behavior as "normal" and move out of this relationship. This will allow "YOU" to break the vicious cycle of abuse and allow you to lead a better, more fulfilling life. 
Then, and only then, will you begin to heal. 

References :
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-women-in-relationships.html
http://books.google.ca/bookshl=en&lr=&id=GqQKFA2I9n0C&oi=fnd&pg=PA198&dq=+the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&ots=QWB8vwZ-Qb&sig=Z4jSj7KS5acv325fXYMXgmHw0LE&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-female-bullying.htm#did-you-know
http://www.child.alberta.ca/home/documents/familyviolence/doc_opfvb_booklet_men_colour.pdf
http://scholar.google.ca/scholar?q=the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=dam_UP2QC4f1iQKWg4GADA&ved=0CCwQgQMwAA