"Friendship (liking someone) is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art ... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. "
-- C. S. Lewis
" The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique. "
We all love so many things, don't we? A favorite sport, great pair of shoes, chocolate ice cream, and, of course, our pets. The same way we love a fiance? The same way we love a boyfriend we break up with? "I love you, just not in that way." Sound familiar? The study performed by Rubin in 1973 looked closely at the distinctions people make between the labels of like and love. His scale to measure the differences between the two titles was determined through "fill in the blank" style questions, in which participants answered with the names of people they knew.
- I think that _____ is one of those people who quickly wins respect
- I think that _____ and I are quite similar to each other.
- I have great confidence in _____ good judgment.
- If I could never be with _____ I would be miserable.
- I feel very possessive toward _____.
- I would do almost anything for _____.
The results revealed that good friends scored high on the liking scale, but only significant others rated high on the scales for loving. In his research, Rubin identified a number of characteristics that distinguished between different degrees of romantic love. For example, he found that participants who rated high on the love scale also spent a great deal more time gazing into each others eyes as compared to those who rated only as weakly in love. Liking is often one stage on the way to loving someone. That is, life partners typically like each other before they love each other. People tend to like others who are similar to themselves. If the goal of attraction is partnership, and part of partnership is sharing your life with someone else, then clearly it is best to choose a partner that has similar interests. It's much easier to share your life with someone who is similar to you than with someone who is not similar to you, because the person who is similar to you will tend to have the same likes and dislikes as you do. They will want to do the same activities as you do.
Love is not a concrete concept and is therefore difficult to measure.
How would you, based simply on your own personal experience, label the following:
excitement; quickened heart rate; clinginess; deep
emotional response; intense sensory perception
Is that love? Excitement for your partner; a quickened heart rate as they come near or enter your thoughts; a clinging to that person closest to you; a feeling so deep that you feel the quivering in your gut; every sense -- vision, touch, smell, taste, sound -- is up and taking that person in.....
Or is this the response of liking someone but not loving someone ? At times as overwhelming as love, but distinctly different result but oddly similar in the way it feels.
Triangular Theory of Love
R.J. Steinberg's Triangular Theory of Love demonstrates the components present in the various forms of love.
Sternberg proposed that love has three components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. The building of intimacy and passion in the early stages of a relationship not only lengthen that partnership's life, it builds the core of deciding that one is in love and is committed to maintaining that love.
- Intimacy: feelings that promote closeness, bondedness, and connectednes, including concern for the welfare of others, subjective happiness, positive regard, sharing, support, mutual understanding, and intimate communication.
- Passion: sources of arousal that contribute to the experience of pasion, such as sexual needs, the need for self-esteem, affiliation, submission, dominance, and self-actualization.
- Decision/Commitment: the decision that one is in love, and the commitment to maintain that love.
Consumate Love X X X
Romantic Love X X -
Infatuation - X -
Fatuous Love - X -
Companionate Love X - X
Empty Love - - X
Liking X - -
Nonlove; Nonlike - - -
Akin to the various attachments made between infants and their care-givers, so, too, do intimate lovers form attachments. These bonds are predisposed to the personalities of the partners individually. Some people are trusting, secure, and excited from the very beginning, and bring this attitude into their readied attachments to others. On the other hand, others are too hard on themselves and fearful of letting someone get too close. Others yet dismiss themselves as being unworthy, yet find the good in everyone and jump easily to jealously.
Attachments can be broken down into three categories, described in detail below.
Secure Attachment (click here) Confident and trusting Anxious Attachment (click here) Needy and nervous Avoidant Attachment (click here) Fearful and guarded
Love is the master key that can open the gates of happiness." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
CURRENT RESEARCH IN SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION: THE ROLE OF LOVE STYLES AND ATTACHMENT STYLES
Do we perceive our partner to be about as attractive as we perceive ourselves to be ?
ON PREDICTING RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION FROM JEALOUSY: THE MODERATING EFFECTS OF LOVE
Romantic Attachment Quiz What's your style of romantic attachment?