Winning vs. Taking: What Does Winning Mean to Abusive, High-Conflict and/or Personality Disordered Women and Men. Psychological abuse does not result in serious physical injuries requiring medical or legal intervention. Its costs to society are much less obvious, and is less sensational than physical abuse. Consequently, psychological abuse has not garnered the same sort of media coverage nor public awareness; even though psychological abuse is more devastating than physical abuse (Murphy, Cascardi, Hampton 1997). Between 1999 and 2004, more than half a million men in Canada had a partner who was violent toward them. The partner might have been a wife, an ex-wife or a common-law partner. This means about six per cent of men in intimate relationships have experienced abuse or violence from their partners.
Categories range from : Abuse, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dating, Financial Abuse,HistrionicPersonality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Parental Alienation, Personality Disorders, Psychological Abuse, and Unhealthy Relationships.
Hypothesize that individuals with these characterological disorders are all about winning, but that winning is really about taking. I’d been considering this issue ever since Charlie Sheen’s infamous public meltdown and “Duh, Winning” sound byte. A high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual is often breathtakingly emotionally immature. She more then he, seems to get a charge from engaging in never-ending power struggles with her parent-partner-ex. She’ll go round and round and round and round with you often over pointless things.
Why does she do this? ... winning.
What does she want? ... To “win” at all costs.
What does winning mean? ... Taking.
Categories range from : Abuse, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dating, Financial Abuse,HistrionicPersonality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Parental Alienation, Personality Disorders, Psychological Abuse, and Unhealthy Relationships.
Hypothesize that individuals with these characterological disorders are all about winning, but that winning is really about taking. I’d been considering this issue ever since Charlie Sheen’s infamous public meltdown and “Duh, Winning” sound byte. A high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual is often breathtakingly emotionally immature. She more then he, seems to get a charge from engaging in never-ending power struggles with her parent-partner-ex. She’ll go round and round and round and round with you often over pointless things.
Why does she do this? ... winning.
What does she want? ... To “win” at all costs.
What does winning mean? ... Taking.
To an abusive high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual, “winning” isn’t about working hard to train for a 6k race and coming in first place or winning at a game of chance like roulette or winning at a game of skill like chess. Winning these kinds of victories doesn’t necessarily cause harm to an opponent, which, I believe, is the crucial factor. If you’re married to, dating or divorcing a woman with these issues, you are her opponent. The goal of her never-ending power plays seems to be about inflicting pain, laying blame, and exerting control. In order for her to win, you must lose. These relationships are zero sum games. She does this by:
She “wins” by hurting others. It’s not a win unless she can take something from you, even if it holds no real value for her. The value is in taking it, taking it by force and without your consent.
This many times has been a learned response which she has gotten from one of her parents.
From a male client " It’s simplistic, but I think that they see both winning and taking as gaining control. They don’t want some control, they want total control. It’s like the bully picking on kids they know they can beat or stealing something they have no interest in. It’s not that they wanted the candy or care whether you have it. They need you to know they can take it away from you."
Real victory, imaginary victory, meaningless victory, pyrrhic victory ( a victory with such a devastating cost that it carries the implication that another such victory will ultimately lead to defeat. Someone who wins a pyrrhic victory has been victorious in some way; however, the heavy toll negates any sense of achievement or profit) — it doesn’t matter. She has to believe she is getting the better end of the stick and the biggest piece of the pie, regardless of whether or not she even likes the pie or has any intention of eating it.
This kind of person will manipulate, lie, steal, blame, cheat and bully in order to take and gain control over both tangible and intangible things. Many seem to be incapable of being happy for the good fortune of others, including something as trivial as a compliment. She will seethe with jealousy, anger, resentment and denigrate or ignore any success you achieve, whether it be a promotion, accomplishment, or satisfaction. But "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"; that unfortunately happens when the person allows the bully to pyschologically overpower the other individual.
Some abusive women also resort to emotional abuse which is characterized by erratic mood swings, jealously and possessiveness. The abuser will want to know about the whereabouts of the person at all times. They may also make a distinct effort of isolating the abused person from the friends and relatives. If the abused man tries to break away from the mold, she may threaten him with dire consequences such as taking away the children or committing suicide. Most emotional abusers are persistent liars who make up false stories and accusations, such as those of her being abused.
In addition to these signs of abusive relationship, you will find an abusive woman unwilling to take responsibility for her own chaotic life and instead playing the victim in front of others. Behind closed doors you would find her raging and shouting for simple things. She may also hit, scratch, shove or throw things at the abused person. When the abused person wants to end the relationship, the abuser can become vindictive and dangerous. They will threaten and might want to kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, children, or stage unsuccessful suicides.
She doesn’t seem able to be happy when something good happens to you. Instead, she experiences it as deprivation — something good happening to you means something good isn’t happening to her and she can’t have that. Instead of being happy for you and proud of you, she feels jealous and a sense of lack and wants to lay blame. It seems like rage satisfies them more than trying to be happy.
Taking = Winning. If they, themselves, didn’t have to make the sacrifice for the gain, then it’s a win. Doesn’t matter how trivial. If they can order someone else to get up and refill their drink for them, it’s a WIN. If they can extort money from their husband under the guise of being, “for the house,” or "i work and i can spend money" it’s a WIN. It’s the reason they have boundaries and why other people’s boundaries are an insult to the bully.
Abusive high-conflict and personality disordered women and men know how to take, but many don’t know how to receive what is given freely and given with love. Because many of these individuals only give something with the expectation of getting something, they can’t fathom being nice just to be nice and project their own transactional nature onto others. This kind of woman does not give without strings attached, therefore, in her mind, neither do you. She judges others by her own "judgemental" yardstick. "You don"t work hard enough", You don't make enough money", "Sex is terrible with you", "I don't believe You", "You don't do anything around the house", "You can't cook". All these "YOU" put down messages eventually "breaks" the person receiving the malicious negative comments and the receiver becomes ultimately controlled, submissive, and denegrated to the point of incurring depression accompanied with high anxiety. The abuser, noticing this, becomes even more powerful and begins to add more aggressive insults to "You never want to have sex with me" ... Guilt.
"Many of these women (and their male counterparts) are very successful at taking, but taking isn’t winning. Ultimately, taking pleasure in hurting others, taking what doesn’t belong to them, bullying others into getting their way, and taking material assets that they’ve done nothing to earn doesn’t make them happy and it doesn’t make them winners. In actuality, society sees the bully a miserable, pathetic loser" (Palmatier, 2012).
In conclusion, men who have to deal with such abusive relationships, often experience fear, shame and bewilderment. This is partly because of the society and the law and order system which refuses to believe that a man is hit by a woman, and partly due to a fear of loss and alienation. Even the domestic violence laws are enacted keeping an abused and battered woman in mind. The best course of action in such a case is to stop rationalizing "abusive" behavior as "normal" and move out of this relationship. This will allow "YOU" to break the vicious cycle of abuse and allow you to lead a better, more fulfilling life.
Then, and only then, will you begin to heal.
References :
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-women-in-relationships.html
http://books.google.ca/bookshl=en&lr=&id=GqQKFA2I9n0C&oi=fnd&pg=PA198&dq=+the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&ots=QWB8vwZ-Qb&sig=Z4jSj7KS5acv325fXYMXgmHw0LE&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-female-bullying.htm#did-you-know
http://www.child.alberta.ca/home/documents/familyviolence/doc_opfvb_booklet_men_colour.pdf
http://scholar.google.ca/scholar?q=the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=dam_UP2QC4f1iQKWg4GADA&ved=0CCwQgQMwAA
- Taking something away (e.g., money, love, material possessions, self-respect, self-worth, etc.)
- Destroying something you love (e.g., a prized possession or a child.)
- Forcing you to take something (e.g., abuse, infidelity, self-created debt, her vacation choice, etc.)
- Turning a positive into a negative (e.g., something good happens to you and she denigrates it, ignores it, and/or minimizes it.)
She “wins” by hurting others. It’s not a win unless she can take something from you, even if it holds no real value for her. The value is in taking it, taking it by force and without your consent.
This many times has been a learned response which she has gotten from one of her parents.
From a male client " It’s simplistic, but I think that they see both winning and taking as gaining control. They don’t want some control, they want total control. It’s like the bully picking on kids they know they can beat or stealing something they have no interest in. It’s not that they wanted the candy or care whether you have it. They need you to know they can take it away from you."
Real victory, imaginary victory, meaningless victory, pyrrhic victory ( a victory with such a devastating cost that it carries the implication that another such victory will ultimately lead to defeat. Someone who wins a pyrrhic victory has been victorious in some way; however, the heavy toll negates any sense of achievement or profit) — it doesn’t matter. She has to believe she is getting the better end of the stick and the biggest piece of the pie, regardless of whether or not she even likes the pie or has any intention of eating it.
This kind of person will manipulate, lie, steal, blame, cheat and bully in order to take and gain control over both tangible and intangible things. Many seem to be incapable of being happy for the good fortune of others, including something as trivial as a compliment. She will seethe with jealousy, anger, resentment and denigrate or ignore any success you achieve, whether it be a promotion, accomplishment, or satisfaction. But "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"; that unfortunately happens when the person allows the bully to pyschologically overpower the other individual.
Some abusive women also resort to emotional abuse which is characterized by erratic mood swings, jealously and possessiveness. The abuser will want to know about the whereabouts of the person at all times. They may also make a distinct effort of isolating the abused person from the friends and relatives. If the abused man tries to break away from the mold, she may threaten him with dire consequences such as taking away the children or committing suicide. Most emotional abusers are persistent liars who make up false stories and accusations, such as those of her being abused.
In addition to these signs of abusive relationship, you will find an abusive woman unwilling to take responsibility for her own chaotic life and instead playing the victim in front of others. Behind closed doors you would find her raging and shouting for simple things. She may also hit, scratch, shove or throw things at the abused person. When the abused person wants to end the relationship, the abuser can become vindictive and dangerous. They will threaten and might want to kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, children, or stage unsuccessful suicides.
She doesn’t seem able to be happy when something good happens to you. Instead, she experiences it as deprivation — something good happening to you means something good isn’t happening to her and she can’t have that. Instead of being happy for you and proud of you, she feels jealous and a sense of lack and wants to lay blame. It seems like rage satisfies them more than trying to be happy.
Taking = Winning. If they, themselves, didn’t have to make the sacrifice for the gain, then it’s a win. Doesn’t matter how trivial. If they can order someone else to get up and refill their drink for them, it’s a WIN. If they can extort money from their husband under the guise of being, “for the house,” or "i work and i can spend money" it’s a WIN. It’s the reason they have boundaries and why other people’s boundaries are an insult to the bully.
Abusive high-conflict and personality disordered women and men know how to take, but many don’t know how to receive what is given freely and given with love. Because many of these individuals only give something with the expectation of getting something, they can’t fathom being nice just to be nice and project their own transactional nature onto others. This kind of woman does not give without strings attached, therefore, in her mind, neither do you. She judges others by her own "judgemental" yardstick. "You don"t work hard enough", You don't make enough money", "Sex is terrible with you", "I don't believe You", "You don't do anything around the house", "You can't cook". All these "YOU" put down messages eventually "breaks" the person receiving the malicious negative comments and the receiver becomes ultimately controlled, submissive, and denegrated to the point of incurring depression accompanied with high anxiety. The abuser, noticing this, becomes even more powerful and begins to add more aggressive insults to "You never want to have sex with me" ... Guilt.
"Many of these women (and their male counterparts) are very successful at taking, but taking isn’t winning. Ultimately, taking pleasure in hurting others, taking what doesn’t belong to them, bullying others into getting their way, and taking material assets that they’ve done nothing to earn doesn’t make them happy and it doesn’t make them winners. In actuality, society sees the bully a miserable, pathetic loser" (Palmatier, 2012).
In conclusion, men who have to deal with such abusive relationships, often experience fear, shame and bewilderment. This is partly because of the society and the law and order system which refuses to believe that a man is hit by a woman, and partly due to a fear of loss and alienation. Even the domestic violence laws are enacted keeping an abused and battered woman in mind. The best course of action in such a case is to stop rationalizing "abusive" behavior as "normal" and move out of this relationship. This will allow "YOU" to break the vicious cycle of abuse and allow you to lead a better, more fulfilling life.
Then, and only then, will you begin to heal.
References :
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-women-in-relationships.html
http://books.google.ca/bookshl=en&lr=&id=GqQKFA2I9n0C&oi=fnd&pg=PA198&dq=+the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&ots=QWB8vwZ-Qb&sig=Z4jSj7KS5acv325fXYMXgmHw0LE&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-female-bullying.htm#did-you-know
http://www.child.alberta.ca/home/documents/familyviolence/doc_opfvb_booklet_men_colour.pdf
http://scholar.google.ca/scholar?q=the+effects+of+female+bullying+harassment+low+self-esteem+on+men+in+marriage&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=dam_UP2QC4f1iQKWg4GADA&ved=0CCwQgQMwAA
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